BEGUILED #1

Cupid pulls back his bow and the grand experiment begins

Mar 13, 2026

∙ Paid

When I presented the idea of a dating service last month I asked you, the readers, for profile question ideas (and you’ll see some of those incorporated below) — but one of you did not offer a question, just:

So sweetly clear and simple! That’s how you make things happen! I DMed Lisa and she was game to go first. She filled out the looong questionnaire (long but all the questions are optional, I encouraged her to skip freely and she did) and the resulting profile is below.

Who do you know that would be perfect for her?? You? Those who have been beguiled will fill out and submit the (same) questionnaire; the link to that is right after the paywall. Their profile will be sent directly to Lisa. Don’t try to get to her in another way, that’s creepy (like the time I tried to reverse Google image search a nanny from care.com so I wouldn’t have to pay the membership fee).

Also: let’s just adore Lisa because she is extremely lovable and it’s a tiny bit vulnerable to share this much of yourself with 63,000 strangers. As her hypeman (I will be the hypeman for all the Beguilers, that is my role) I would like to point out that Lisa created the really good animated series Tuca & Bertie, and designed the also really good show BoJack Horseman. And she messaged this drawing as a joke but I think it’s the best profile picture I’ve ever seen.

If you are interested in being a future Beguiler, please DM me. I’ll do one a month, so we will all be focusing our energies on Lisa until April 13th. If Lisa goes on a date with someone you sent this profile to then you get a free lifetime subscription to this Substack, special consideration as a future Beguiler (if you want that) and you will have to tell us the whole story from your point of view. Ok, go team; let’s do this. I present to you:

Lisa Hanawalt’s Beguiled Profile

Describe the gender(s) of the type of people you usually are attracted to, include details about types if possible.

I’m mostly into men and masculine people. I’m attracted to all body types, vibe and smell is the most important, but I especially like thick/bear-ish/fat guys.

How would you describe your gender?

female, tomboyish but femme

What kind of relationship are you looking for? (ex: I want to get married and have kids / I want to have sex once a week and nothing more except flirtation and pictures / I want outings but no sex, kissing is great though.)

The Alma to my Reynolds Woodcock (not the poisoning part! but: a nurturing, calm person who encourages me to rest and accept love). I’m not super casual with romance, I flirt and get crushes, but my heart is very monogamous. I want to nest with a partner and be each other’s family, while attempting to keep things interesting and avoid entropy. I want trust, freedom, and support. I want us to be stupid horny for each other.

Are you single or is this an additional relationship?

I’m siiiingle

Why are you single?

Ended a lovely fifteen-year relationship in ‘24 for all the usual mid-life reasons, but stayed friends. Followed by a more intense thing that wasn’t built to last, despite much fondness. Then I needed to be alone for a while! Now here I am.

Where do you live? Do you need the person to live there or could this be long distance?

Los Angeles, gotta live within a 1-hour drive I’d say.

Do you care if the person you’re dating has kids?

No. I don’t have any kids but I love them!

Do you want kids/more kids?

Total fencesitter, I have some eggs on ice, but I’m leaning towards no? Still unsure.

Do you have pets? How important is it that the person be crazy about your pet?

I have a friendly horse and a sweet, aloof cattle dog. Ideally The Person would come to the barn with me sometimes.

Text this to a close friend… upload what they say as a screenshot.

Same as above but with an ex… upload what they say as a screenshot.

What time do you wake up? What are some of your morning/evening rituals?

I wake up between 8–9am, drink black tea, and either binge social media or read/write depending on how disciplined I’m being that week. In the evening I exercise my animals, work on art projects, and take a bath while watching movies/TV.

When you and a friend hang out, what do you tend to do?

I love an activity, an errand, a stroll or a drive, or to draw together while listening to music.

What’s an ideal Saturday for you when you’re alone?

Getting fun food, going for a walk with my beasts, following my latest hyperfixation down a rabbit hole and shopping/researching/crafting based on whatever that is, watching a movie.

What’s an ideal Saturday for you when you’re with a partner?

Exactly the same as when I’m alone, but with love, sex, and jokes.

What’s your siren song? (What do you find hard to resist?)

A new hobby.

Where did you grow up?

Palo Alto, CA.

Are you neurodivergent in a way you care to tell us about?

Never diagnosed but all signs point to me being quirked up.

What really annoys you?

Timidity (often in myself), dishonesty, stagnation, poor communication, and AI.

Do you have misophonia?

Yes, how did you know, was it when I kicked a hole through the wall because you were enjoying a banana? (I wouldn’t actually be violent, this is a joke.)

What do you like/dislike about airports and flying (only if you have strong feelings in this area)

When I’m traveling alone and my flight gets cancelled, sometimes I’ll cry because I feel stranded and helpless, then I remember I’m an adult. I’m pretty scared of the whole flying part, but I manage!

How old are you?

What are you still trying to figure out, relationship-wise?

How to stop self-abandonment as a way of avoiding conflict, it’s pick me behavior honestly. I have some form of PMDD where I turn into an impossibly moody pit of snakes for a few days every month — my boys struggle with it because they want to help, but the snakes won’t let them. Maybe I need to date a herpetologist.

Does role-playing have a place in your life, erotic or otherwise?

I adore it, it can be very sexy and also hilarious.

Give 1–3 examples of what has turned you on recently

This is kind of basic but I saw a clip from the Actor Awards of Noah Wyle testing Kristen Bell’s ability to read doctor jargon, he was wearing suspenders and his tone was a bit stern/bemused... oof.

Also I was just thinking about the movie Hook (1991) and how the humiliation-tinged dynamic between Tinkerbell and Peter was erotic.

And thirdly, a cute man touched my leg.

Honorable mention: Rob Rausch flashing his armpit hair on Traitors.

What tends to make you feel better? What things do you do to care for yourself?

Being in water is always my favorite nervous system reset: pools, jacuzzis, showers, and baths.

What is your job?

Artist and writer.

Is that your passion or is your passion something else?

I love my work because I feel free to follow any fixation, the only big constraints are time and money. I can write a movie or make a perfume or draw a horse with big titties, it’s all connected!

Name three things you’re into right now.

Fragrance, piano, colored pencils.

Are you funny?

I feel like I’m getting a good response to my little anecdotes lately.

Is humor important to you?

It’s everything.

Do you drink / do drugs?

Barely. I’m too sensitive! I have a drink every once in awhile and sometimes I’ll nibble a microdose of mushroom chocolate.

Do you do any kind of therapy?

Talk therapy 2x a month. Sometimes we do EMDR if I’m having a real issue — I was a skeptic but it cured my fear of driving on the freeway in a single session.

Do you do any physical activity? What?

I keep it low-impact, I lift weights with a trainer twice a week, walk, and ride the horsey. I love dancing and rollerskating too.

What do people seem to enjoy about your body or the way you have sex or cuddle?

I’m blessed with a relatively big ass and thick thighs, I think it’s really hot! I have some sexual trauma but I’m a horny lil’ perv and if I feel safe, I’m sensual, silly, and dirty.

Sex-wise, do you have any specific boundaries or preferences you feel would be good to state up front?

I hate being bitten hard, choked, or tied up in any way.

How important is cuddling to you?

Very important, necessary for life, wonderful!!! Until we feel bored or overstimulated.

Let’s see a picture of you that you think is maximum flattering.