"Have I Been Wanting To Be Touched In A Motherly Way?"

Some notes to read prior to viewing:

1. On the bottom is Josephine Decker and her best friend Audrey Evans who I have never met but I've heard such nice things about.

2. I met Josephine when she asked me to be in her movie, Madeline's Madeline (2018).

3. Terrified of acting, I quit that movie at the last minute and Josephine coaxed me back by reminding me I could die tomorrow and saying did I want to live a life ruled by fear.

4. Audrey was curious about our experiment (mine and Josephine's) and I took the opportunity to record the conversation for you. We did this as a Substack live video but kept it quiet because I mostly just wanted to use the split-screen tech (though some of you paid subscribers watched the whole thing live..!) This version has been edited down so part where my girlfriend comes in the room to get her pants isn't there lol.

5. I'm making my way through a body experience (adrenal failure -- but you could probably substitute perimenopause or birth or old age or depression if you like) that has reshaped how I live. Or: I have changed my life to do what my body asked of me. Or: my body is me, so I asked myself to change. Or: this is just what happened. Life is just like this.

6. My wifi was not the greatest; you'll have to tolerate that.

7. It ends abruptly but I have a couple thoughts below that you can read if you need closure.

PS: Credit goes to another dear friend, Margaret Qualley, for telling me about the pat down, years ago. She described it as a technique actors sometimes use before doing a sex scene together. I was so interested in this practical approach to crossing the intimacy threshold (and readers of All Fours will know how I used it to my own ends.)

[Here’s where you watch the video!]

My half of the video began to get too choppy after that, but we went on to talk about how this sort of pat down might be a bridge too far for some. I suggested that the first step might be to pee when you need to pee, eat when you need to eat, rest when you need to rest etc -- ie, become intimate with yourself (I've spent the last 6 months forced to do only that) and then, from there, you might safely venture towards other bodies in new ways. Audrey also said a bunch of important stuff about consent and I told a story of cuddling with a friend and how it wasn't a big deal when she briefly got turned on, we just laughed and shifted positions. I also don't think being turned on is the worst thing in the world with a good friend, it can be kind of cheerful and alive, a compliment. (And obviously there are a few people who all I want is to turn them on as much as possible, but that's an entirely different subject and frankly one that is much more well covered.)

Please tell me all your thoughts and experiences. Josephine and I feel that this is just the tip of the iceberg and we have another session scheduled for next week; I will update you on our findings.