I have been trying to find the proper relationship to men

and a visit to my parent's house

Parents

I just visited my parents in Maine. It’s been three years since my last visit, do with that what you will. Some things that happened: I joined my dad in his tri-weekly ice skating practice. I tried to clean the kitchen the way my mom wanted, even polishing the counters one night with visions of how the sun would hit them in the morning, making my Mom gasp with pleasure (this didn’t happen because my dad had spilled honey on the counter in the meantime so this stole focus, as honey so often does.) I didn’t help look for the cat the nineteen times it was lost or pet it enough/at all, and I regret that. One wonders if I even have a heart when it comes to pets and I have nothing to say in my defense. I ate massive amounts of plain yogurt for fear that I would starve. I experimented with ways to add volume to my mom’s gorgeous hair that I think is perfect how it is but if she’s going to try to curl it at least put the curlers in the right way. The roots Mom, you want volume at roots. Can you just let me do it? Do you have any product? Is this what you’re using? This is for already curly hair like mine; this is the exact opposite of what you should be using, Mom. Don’t even look for the right product. I will send you link. See what I’m doing? But you won’t be able to do this without me. Well, this really might not work because we used the exact wrong product. You need to have low expectations, ok? It’s a work in progress… At which point my mom says Enough, I’m done with this. Can we be done now?

She actually did enjoy it, I know she did. But I generally want to do things more relentlessly than other people, especially an 81 year old woman who has a plan for her day. Now I’m in NYC looking up if Rapid Brow works on people of her age and am about to make a sketch to send them of how they could make the dining room into a bedroom with a bathroom and a closet. The plan changed from the plan I described to them yesterday; I thought about more on the flight from Portland to JFK and was so desperate to make a sketch of the new plan and get it to them ASAP that I began sort of shaking in my seat and then I fell asleep. Somehow the pilot landed the plane without me. As I said at the start: haven’t visited in three years. Miranda “All or Nothing” July: the answer to all your problems, apparently, but absolutely don’t count on her. I love you.

Suede

Packing for a trip takes me, at minimum, a full day — morning to night— because I have to make sure each item I’m bringing is in top condition and that I am leaving the house in perfect order so that I don’t fall into easy misery upon my return. Here is a video of me refurbishing some shoes that day before I flew:

Men

Friends have been texting me instances of men on Hinge using me to signal the kind of guy they are.

I am not at all offended by this; I feel at peace, as though I’m matching with with men en masse, which is just right. I have been trying to find the proper relationship to men; it’s not as simple as building a throne and sitting in it like a queen and having them bring me gifts because I also want to be in a state of longing or uncertainty (who doesn’t) and Oh the humiliation of being secretly obsessed with a page or worse: the fucking court jester, bells on his fucking toes, jingle jingle. It’s at this point in my thinking about men that I usually give up; what a mess.

Elif

Some food for thought from Elif Batuman in her post on how to write every day:

A more helpful, less obvious instantiation would be the discipline to NOT do things you don’t want to do. This, too, is “hard work”: interrogating what is and isn’t actually necessary. It’s scary to be honest about what you actually want—to not hide behind the “straw man”

Snobbily, I only read this writing-advice post because it’s by Elif, but then was sort of charmed/sobered to see her referencing tips from a Pilates teacher, a productivity coach, another writer. It’s always whatever works. Also I’m interested in productivity as it relates to life as a whole, as some of us (me) are sometimes productive because we constantly feel we need to redeem ourselves, guilty until proven innocent by writing. And that can lead to larger life problems that are, lemme tell ya, not productive.

Gonna go out there and eat the day now. Good luck everyone, x

mj