This is really exciting. I'm just figuring out how to do this best, but these super-honest comments are what I hoped for, for all our sakes. I'm taking notes now, grabbing quotes from you guys to bring forward in the next post. We'll see if that works.
Was fumbling towards blowing up my own life and 20 year marriage when a friend who knows me more than anyone suggested I read your book. I laughed, I cried, I felt exposed. This book was about me. How did she know what I was experiencing at this very moment in time? How could this author show me more grace than the religion I grew up with?
A couple weeks ago I asked my husband if I could buy him the audiobook so he could better understand and he told me he wasn’t interested in understanding. And that’s the moment when I felt free to move on. Wish me luck because it’s not going to be easy. I’m here for anyone that wants to start a real group chat.
It always amazes me (and I always forget) how quickly things become clear when people are honest. In a (terrible) way he was honest. Thank you for this Stacy, and yes certainly anyone who wants to for a private chat or support system irl, this would be a good place to start that. I know it's not much, but I'm rooting for you, for everything that's coming next.
I’m not at all trying to co-opt this and please remove if inappropriate, but I’ve actually been trying to start a chat about the divorce/separation pieces, and put together a very early stage website to potentially get a community off the ground.
Damn, I am glad you got the signal from him by saying he does not want to understand. I mean that is so hard and hurtful but you saw it as a cue to move on. Your courage... beautiful.
I did this in phases about 6 years ago. Asking for breaks in a toxic marriage to figure it out, what I wanted. It was hard but so necessary. I would be totally down to create a group chat or online meetings.
It takes an incredible amount of courage to change it all up. And if only I had maybe gotten some more emotional support… we are here.
I’m six years out, and I can promise you, the honesty and the outside of the dumpster fire is entirely yours to create and revel in. Was with the same guy for 23 years… 3 daughters. Get ready to live and love bigger than before. It’s fascinating
Hi! It's Amanda Palmer, life-long (well, since 1999 anyway) MJ fan across all MEDIAE. I'm halfway through All Fours and will reserve comment until I get to the end BUT I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL. I'm also a big fan of these nice, more private spaces on the internet away from Facebook, Insta, Twitter, etc etc where we can converse more freely, even if it's behind a minor paywall. I think these spaces are going to be critical in the months and years to come given what's going on. So, hello fellow human beings here, I salute you all, and Miranda, Thank You For Your Service. You're an incredible artist and I have no doubt that you're going to lead an incredible community salon here. xxx
Yay! Not surprised you're a long time fan. You both blaze quirky and vulnerable paths in a variety of mediums and I fiercely love you both for being role models for us queer weirdo women artists. 🥰
The longer I read and write, the more certain books reach into my bowels and change me. “Splinters” (Leslie Jamison) helped me through divorce hell year #3, and Miranda has the place of honor for hell year #4. I cherish these books that feel like actual fire under my boiling clarity pot.
Read this book fast like I was starving. I think about it often but not yet clear on its reverberations for my life just yet. Let us all find ourselves in a sumptuously decorated room, scented with tonka bean, squishing our toes into soft carpet together.
I'm 40. Lesbian. Divorced. Staring down the barrel of what's going to happen to my body over the next 5-10 years. All Fours connected me to things inside of me I didn't even know existed. Feelings both shallow and deep. Desire and rage and stillness and chaos. Reading it felt like walking into a dark room and switching the lights on. Like, oh, that's just a chair. I can sit in it. Maybe it will even be comfortable.
I’m only 22 but read all fours because I was working in a bookstore and needed to understand what the hype was about. I love this book. It gives me hope about the types of relationships I can have and the type of woman I can be. My then-boyfriend couldn’t understand how All Fours affected me, no matter how much I tried to explain it. I think he got all caught up in the sex parts and not the symbolism behind it. What I love about All Fours (and Miranda July!!) is that for the first time in my life I feel like I’ve been granted permission to submit to my desires and strange compulsions (in an everyday, not sex way). I am always listening to my body and spirit to see if what’s really calling me are the Monrovias of my life.
This is so amazing to hear. I WISH I’d had this book when I was your age! I can only imagine how the trajectory of my life would have been completely different. Keep going!
I had already blown up my life when I read your book—the pieces are still raining down around me, but many days they fall into magical new formations. I knew at the time, having an affair was not The Thing To Do, but it could not be stopped. My autistic self could not lie and told my husband what was happening even before it happened. I’m not the person I was before, but I’m infinitely more myself. Thank you for making this feel more ok.
On the outside my life looks really good. I’ve got it all: loving & Successful husband, two sweet kids, live in a beautiful house.
We’re living the California dream.
I’ve never felt more sad and lonely in my life. I don’t know why I fell into the system that I never believed in. I never wanted to get married. I was never the girl that dreamed about getting married and having kids. I just don’t know how I fell for it. I met my husband at 22 and something happened. I thought I wanted to do it all. I thought I wanted to be a mother. A wife.
We had a very exciting life together. We got to live all over the world and I loved being an Expat. I’m really good at traveling and exploring. I love studying languages. I just love new experiences. However, I am not good at this. I am not good at being a domesticated mother who has to care for the home because he is never around. It feels like everything is all on me. All the time. I just feel like I’m drowning.
Thank you MJ, I feel less alone after reading All Fours. I am devouring all your work. I just watched Kajillionaire.
I put a name down to get a table today while I was out. The name I used was Dolio. ❤️
Hang in there. Nobody is good at it. Just have some love for yourself. Love for your kids. Get outside some and breathe. Really, you can do it, it gets better as you age.
Being outside and just Breathing. Amazing how much just doing those 2 things changes how you feel. ( and now, I’ve just got to figure out to stop holding my breath😂 )
I'm not married. I don't have kids. I just recently ended a long-term relationship with my partner who has 3 kids. Reading this book amidst my breakup has been so eye-opening, and validating of my desire to explore relationships outside the status quo.
-What is my sexuality?
-What kind of intimacy do I desire with others?
-Is there a grey area of intimacy within friendships that I can deepen?
I'm so grateful for this book, at this exact moment in my life. I feel a collective sexual awakening happening and I'm totally here for it.
Similar situation. Reading All Fours amidst a break up has been eye opening. My needs and desires are real and I am now taking time to explore them more. As Julianne Moore and Tilda Swinton said in a recent interview, We are not crazy.
i'm in the midst of a separation (moving toward divorce), and particularly at this moment in my life, felt so seen by so many part of all fours, that when i found out my co-parent was reading it, i actually felt possessive. like i didn't want him to have access to the magic that i found within the book. i also didn't want him to feel like if he read it, he would understand why i was needing the freedom on the other side of this next life chapter. i didn't want him to see this as a case study that could be applied to me (even though in some cases it probably is). because as universally relatable as so much of the book is, i think there's danger in letting anyone think that its possible to reduce this moment in life to a monolith.
I get this! To me the genius of this book and all MJ's work is that it's so fluid and open ended, even when you are sharing it, everyone is reading their own book. For me, I identified so much with the longing for longing/desire but rather than making me want to blow up my life or have other partners it made me want to reconnect to parts of myself and parts of my relationship with my partner when we were younger - we were friends and even co-parents for a long time before we were a couple. I feel like the "idea" of the book someone might have from reading about it could feel like something to be possessive of, the book itself, a wonder that invites all comers.
Have always been a massive MJ fan but this book was something else. Complete validation. I am in a hetero marriage (with two youngish kids) and have had many conversations with friends and my partner about wanting more, especially before “the cliff”.
There is a level of self disappearance that happens in long marriages especially with kids and home ownership / domesticity and at some point I felt like a caged animal.
I am lucky enough to now be in an open marriage and am happily dating a queer trans femme person. The journey has been remarkable and I feel like this book has helped fuel and validate my decisions. It does feel like a metaphysical journey. Thank you for the feeljng of being seen and understood and NOT CRAZY!
Honestly just the first step of being open and honest with my spouse was a huge step that took a huge weight off my shoulders.
Take it from someone who fell off the famous cliff almost five years ago now, there’s plenty more to explore as we climb back up again. 54, open relationship, clubbing in the best clubs in the world, becoming more colourful and a lot more visible as we leave our self-consciousness behind - it can look something like that if we dare.
I was given this book by my partner as I set off on a five day trip, the first I had ever taken alone since having my babies. I felt first elated, then terrified as my sitting in the corner reading my book became the main attraction because I had a massive crisis, I was so sooo in it that I knew that if she didn't go home I wouldn't be able to either... something everyone thought quite funny (except me). I was just so so greatful Miranda that you wrote that book, I was there with you, I didn't even realize how lonely I was. I begged people to read it when I got back so I could talk to someone or I was going to explode! As for my partner , it felt like an olive branch, I knew that he saw me and although our communication is rough, we're having those conversations and I see him again. Now I see how many people where so touched I just feel so amazed to see all of this and be part of it. I'm here for it all! Thanks for sharing your stories with me, I love reading you all🙏🏾🙏🏾And thank you for this space Miranda, I feel like you carved out a cave/womb/motel room for us all to share and be together ❤️ I can't even post in face/insta without feeling like I'm comodifying myself, I am so sooo happy!
that's wonderful - what I loved most was that it isn't about whether she goes back or not - it's about finding your way inside both/all/none of these places. MJ names it but leaves that path open for all of us
I blew up my life!! Like a huge dumpster fire… but I read All Fours 6 years after the fact, while I was on a solo trip to the Faroe Islands, creating a room of my own in a way. I felt so relieved to read about someone else living out a fantasy and understanding the allure of “constantly getting ready”, especially when you have been stuck in a relationship where you feel the constant obligation to be EVERYTHING; caregiver, nurturer, organizer, breadwinner, sexual object… MOTHER.
I'm oh so gently burning it all down and tearing it all up in the hopes that what emerges after the destruction is delicious a d fulfilling, instead of merely palatable. I'm so happy you've created this space.
To me it’s all about fantasy. I had gone through a similar situation not long before l read the book. It felt good to read it and see that l am not the only one that can this way. I have so many underlined lines in the book. I am screaming my feelings but they are deaf at home. Warm hello to everyone.
I’m resonating so much with what everyone is saying here and of course with All Fours as well! It hit me at the right time, I’d just gone through my own gentle burning it down, which was sexual and to do with my long term partnership but also so much about myself, and being alive. It is everything you all are mentioning and it’s an impulse towards alive ness, away from the death march routine based impulse I’d succumbed to without even realizing it. Here’s to living!
This is really exciting. I'm just figuring out how to do this best, but these super-honest comments are what I hoped for, for all our sakes. I'm taking notes now, grabbing quotes from you guys to bring forward in the next post. We'll see if that works.
Was fumbling towards blowing up my own life and 20 year marriage when a friend who knows me more than anyone suggested I read your book. I laughed, I cried, I felt exposed. This book was about me. How did she know what I was experiencing at this very moment in time? How could this author show me more grace than the religion I grew up with?
A couple weeks ago I asked my husband if I could buy him the audiobook so he could better understand and he told me he wasn’t interested in understanding. And that’s the moment when I felt free to move on. Wish me luck because it’s not going to be easy. I’m here for anyone that wants to start a real group chat.
It always amazes me (and I always forget) how quickly things become clear when people are honest. In a (terrible) way he was honest. Thank you for this Stacy, and yes certainly anyone who wants to for a private chat or support system irl, this would be a good place to start that. I know it's not much, but I'm rooting for you, for everything that's coming next.
Navigating this with honesty and compassion to those it may hurt won’t be easy but to know you’re rooting for me means more than you know. Thank you.
I’m not at all trying to co-opt this and please remove if inappropriate, but I’ve actually been trying to start a chat about the divorce/separation pieces, and put together a very early stage website to potentially get a community off the ground.
Here’s the website if anyone is interested
https://www.co-community.co
(Seriously - @Miranda if this feels like it’s eating into your space, please let me know and I’ll remove the post. So grateful to you for everything!)
Damn, I am glad you got the signal from him by saying he does not want to understand. I mean that is so hard and hurtful but you saw it as a cue to move on. Your courage... beautiful.
I did this in phases about 6 years ago. Asking for breaks in a toxic marriage to figure it out, what I wanted. It was hard but so necessary. I would be totally down to create a group chat or online meetings.
It takes an incredible amount of courage to change it all up. And if only I had maybe gotten some more emotional support… we are here.
I’m six years out, and I can promise you, the honesty and the outside of the dumpster fire is entirely yours to create and revel in. Was with the same guy for 23 years… 3 daughters. Get ready to live and love bigger than before. It’s fascinating
Live and love bigger than before! I’m ready.
Love the "live and love bigger." I totally resonate with that.
It was hurtful but I get it. I hurt him too. Would love to hear your story one day. Thank you for your kind words.
Your level of honesty and responsibility around this is inspiring.
i’m in 🩷
Let’s chat.
Right there with you Stacy!
You’ve got this! Go get em tiger!
406-422-8382
Hi! It's Amanda Palmer, life-long (well, since 1999 anyway) MJ fan across all MEDIAE. I'm halfway through All Fours and will reserve comment until I get to the end BUT I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE WITH YOU ALL. I'm also a big fan of these nice, more private spaces on the internet away from Facebook, Insta, Twitter, etc etc where we can converse more freely, even if it's behind a minor paywall. I think these spaces are going to be critical in the months and years to come given what's going on. So, hello fellow human beings here, I salute you all, and Miranda, Thank You For Your Service. You're an incredible artist and I have no doubt that you're going to lead an incredible community salon here. xxx
Yay! Not surprised you're a long time fan. You both blaze quirky and vulnerable paths in a variety of mediums and I fiercely love you both for being role models for us queer weirdo women artists. 🥰
The longer I read and write, the more certain books reach into my bowels and change me. “Splinters” (Leslie Jamison) helped me through divorce hell year #3, and Miranda has the place of honor for hell year #4. I cherish these books that feel like actual fire under my boiling clarity pot.
Read this book fast like I was starving. I think about it often but not yet clear on its reverberations for my life just yet. Let us all find ourselves in a sumptuously decorated room, scented with tonka bean, squishing our toes into soft carpet together.
I’m right there with you. This thread is full of all my new best friends 😂
right!?
I'm 40. Lesbian. Divorced. Staring down the barrel of what's going to happen to my body over the next 5-10 years. All Fours connected me to things inside of me I didn't even know existed. Feelings both shallow and deep. Desire and rage and stillness and chaos. Reading it felt like walking into a dark room and switching the lights on. Like, oh, that's just a chair. I can sit in it. Maybe it will even be comfortable.
I’m only 22 but read all fours because I was working in a bookstore and needed to understand what the hype was about. I love this book. It gives me hope about the types of relationships I can have and the type of woman I can be. My then-boyfriend couldn’t understand how All Fours affected me, no matter how much I tried to explain it. I think he got all caught up in the sex parts and not the symbolism behind it. What I love about All Fours (and Miranda July!!) is that for the first time in my life I feel like I’ve been granted permission to submit to my desires and strange compulsions (in an everyday, not sex way). I am always listening to my body and spirit to see if what’s really calling me are the Monrovias of my life.
This is so amazing to hear. I WISH I’d had this book when I was your age! I can only imagine how the trajectory of my life would have been completely different. Keep going!
So happy to see someone your age already being aware of these things!
I had already blown up my life when I read your book—the pieces are still raining down around me, but many days they fall into magical new formations. I knew at the time, having an affair was not The Thing To Do, but it could not be stopped. My autistic self could not lie and told my husband what was happening even before it happened. I’m not the person I was before, but I’m infinitely more myself. Thank you for making this feel more ok.
Here with you. Blowing it up rn.
My life is blowing up in the most scariest and delightful ways too. So, we can create and pick up new pieces together in this community.
same
Here with you, sister.
same 🌋
On the outside my life looks really good. I’ve got it all: loving & Successful husband, two sweet kids, live in a beautiful house.
We’re living the California dream.
I’ve never felt more sad and lonely in my life. I don’t know why I fell into the system that I never believed in. I never wanted to get married. I was never the girl that dreamed about getting married and having kids. I just don’t know how I fell for it. I met my husband at 22 and something happened. I thought I wanted to do it all. I thought I wanted to be a mother. A wife.
We had a very exciting life together. We got to live all over the world and I loved being an Expat. I’m really good at traveling and exploring. I love studying languages. I just love new experiences. However, I am not good at this. I am not good at being a domesticated mother who has to care for the home because he is never around. It feels like everything is all on me. All the time. I just feel like I’m drowning.
Thank you MJ, I feel less alone after reading All Fours. I am devouring all your work. I just watched Kajillionaire.
I put a name down to get a table today while I was out. The name I used was Dolio. ❤️
Yoko, you are not alone. I am in the same place. I’m looking forward to what this community may hold
Hang in there. Nobody is good at it. Just have some love for yourself. Love for your kids. Get outside some and breathe. Really, you can do it, it gets better as you age.
Thanks Bonnie, appreciate your kind words.
Being outside and just Breathing. Amazing how much just doing those 2 things changes how you feel. ( and now, I’ve just got to figure out to stop holding my breath😂 )
You are not alone. And you didn’t fall for anything. X
I'm not married. I don't have kids. I just recently ended a long-term relationship with my partner who has 3 kids. Reading this book amidst my breakup has been so eye-opening, and validating of my desire to explore relationships outside the status quo.
-What is my sexuality?
-What kind of intimacy do I desire with others?
-Is there a grey area of intimacy within friendships that I can deepen?
I'm so grateful for this book, at this exact moment in my life. I feel a collective sexual awakening happening and I'm totally here for it.
Similar situation. Reading All Fours amidst a break up has been eye opening. My needs and desires are real and I am now taking time to explore them more. As Julianne Moore and Tilda Swinton said in a recent interview, We are not crazy.
What was the interview? Can you link to it?
It was actually a speech, not an interview but here is the link https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a62897484/julianne-moore-tilda-swinton-speech-elle-women-in-hollywood-2024/
Thank you!!
yesss!
i'm in the midst of a separation (moving toward divorce), and particularly at this moment in my life, felt so seen by so many part of all fours, that when i found out my co-parent was reading it, i actually felt possessive. like i didn't want him to have access to the magic that i found within the book. i also didn't want him to feel like if he read it, he would understand why i was needing the freedom on the other side of this next life chapter. i didn't want him to see this as a case study that could be applied to me (even though in some cases it probably is). because as universally relatable as so much of the book is, i think there's danger in letting anyone think that its possible to reduce this moment in life to a monolith.
Yeah, I can see that. I don't want to be reduced by the book either in my relationships, so why would anyone else?
I’m, yes. This is me too.
you’re not alone!
🤍🤍🤍
This was my experience too.
I get this! To me the genius of this book and all MJ's work is that it's so fluid and open ended, even when you are sharing it, everyone is reading their own book. For me, I identified so much with the longing for longing/desire but rather than making me want to blow up my life or have other partners it made me want to reconnect to parts of myself and parts of my relationship with my partner when we were younger - we were friends and even co-parents for a long time before we were a couple. I feel like the "idea" of the book someone might have from reading about it could feel like something to be possessive of, the book itself, a wonder that invites all comers.
Have always been a massive MJ fan but this book was something else. Complete validation. I am in a hetero marriage (with two youngish kids) and have had many conversations with friends and my partner about wanting more, especially before “the cliff”.
There is a level of self disappearance that happens in long marriages especially with kids and home ownership / domesticity and at some point I felt like a caged animal.
I am lucky enough to now be in an open marriage and am happily dating a queer trans femme person. The journey has been remarkable and I feel like this book has helped fuel and validate my decisions. It does feel like a metaphysical journey. Thank you for the feeljng of being seen and understood and NOT CRAZY!
Honestly just the first step of being open and honest with my spouse was a huge step that took a huge weight off my shoulders.
Take it from someone who fell off the famous cliff almost five years ago now, there’s plenty more to explore as we climb back up again. 54, open relationship, clubbing in the best clubs in the world, becoming more colourful and a lot more visible as we leave our self-consciousness behind - it can look something like that if we dare.
I was given this book by my partner as I set off on a five day trip, the first I had ever taken alone since having my babies. I felt first elated, then terrified as my sitting in the corner reading my book became the main attraction because I had a massive crisis, I was so sooo in it that I knew that if she didn't go home I wouldn't be able to either... something everyone thought quite funny (except me). I was just so so greatful Miranda that you wrote that book, I was there with you, I didn't even realize how lonely I was. I begged people to read it when I got back so I could talk to someone or I was going to explode! As for my partner , it felt like an olive branch, I knew that he saw me and although our communication is rough, we're having those conversations and I see him again. Now I see how many people where so touched I just feel so amazed to see all of this and be part of it. I'm here for it all! Thanks for sharing your stories with me, I love reading you all🙏🏾🙏🏾And thank you for this space Miranda, I feel like you carved out a cave/womb/motel room for us all to share and be together ❤️ I can't even post in face/insta without feeling like I'm comodifying myself, I am so sooo happy!
that's wonderful - what I loved most was that it isn't about whether she goes back or not - it's about finding your way inside both/all/none of these places. MJ names it but leaves that path open for all of us
I blew up my life!! Like a huge dumpster fire… but I read All Fours 6 years after the fact, while I was on a solo trip to the Faroe Islands, creating a room of my own in a way. I felt so relieved to read about someone else living out a fantasy and understanding the allure of “constantly getting ready”, especially when you have been stuck in a relationship where you feel the constant obligation to be EVERYTHING; caregiver, nurturer, organizer, breadwinner, sexual object… MOTHER.
So yeah. Thanks for this book. And for this chat.
same except AF came 20 years after the fact; it is so stunning to find so many women like me
I'm oh so gently burning it all down and tearing it all up in the hopes that what emerges after the destruction is delicious a d fulfilling, instead of merely palatable. I'm so happy you've created this space.
slow burn…. 🔥
To me it’s all about fantasy. I had gone through a similar situation not long before l read the book. It felt good to read it and see that l am not the only one that can this way. I have so many underlined lines in the book. I am screaming my feelings but they are deaf at home. Warm hello to everyone.
The underlines are the whole book!
I was thinking I need to buy a cope to avoid getting fined for marking up the library one.
The fines are part of the movement!
That's very appealing.
You should definitely read Wanted by Gillian Anderson next if fantasy is your curiosity.
Soooo many underlines!
I’m resonating so much with what everyone is saying here and of course with All Fours as well! It hit me at the right time, I’d just gone through my own gentle burning it down, which was sexual and to do with my long term partnership but also so much about myself, and being alive. It is everything you all are mentioning and it’s an impulse towards alive ness, away from the death march routine based impulse I’d succumbed to without even realizing it. Here’s to living!