Your Non-Traditional Marriages, Part 2: Chronic Illness and: Living Apart Together
When you don't want to / can't blow it all up
Last week my readers described their marriages that eventually became ethically non-monogamous / poly, and this week is about relationships that have been shaped by chronic illness (and in one case, death) and: couples who are living apart.
There are only four in this illness/death section, but I personally know at least three marriage stories that are also stories of illness, mental or physical (and I’d like to read more of these in the comments, please.)
No amount of liberation or progress changes the fact that we can’t get by alone. Try to think of any relationship in your life that doesn’t revolve around helping or being helped. From your pet, to your BFF, to your dominatrix – it’s all care. What gets tricky is when the care isn’t voluntary or fair or mutual…because that’s not how life plays.
“I’m a spousal caregiver, have been for four+ years, our relationship has really taken a hit from all the stress. I think we’d be divorced by now if there weren’t complicated dependencies. And, I don’t think we’d be in the same mess if the pandemic/illness hadn’t upended our lives. Our approach has basically been to hang onto the threads that are left, swinging from crises to crises, beautiful moments to beautiful moments (ie weddings, nephews being born etc), which has made the four years go by. I have begged for therapy for years, and I’m at the end of my thread without it. So I’m close to done being hanging on by a thread, or morally committed to not leaving a chronically ill spouse, unless there’s some commitment wanting to be in a marriage. I do feel like I’ve been half-alive for years and life feels way too short for that.”
“I’m trying to live with my husband as friends/roommates? We share a very old, small house with our 19 year old son. What keeps me here is his health insurance. I have an aggressive chronic disease and very much need the help. Some days are truly feel like I’m losing my mind.”
“My husband and I are totally together. We're both pervs and super open about all sex stuff. He's always loved my sexuality, and the only thing that's ever been a no-go is me hooking up with other cis-men. I think because of all that openness, now that we're older, and because I'm super limited with my disability/chronic pain condition, it's mainly just us when it comes to fucking. His parents both died in the last 2 years, and just all the life stuff, we are completely dependent on each other. We're kind to each other, that's a big one. Yeah, we're just super into our marriage as this precious thing. No kids, so maybe that's an important detail? Who knows...we also have tons of sex toys in the house. Yeah, we do like to keep it sexy. Don't get me wrong, we have married sex, not like hot marathons. But the toys also make it so we can just play with something and it's fun.”
“I'm not sure what I can add to this conversation as my husband died three and a half years ago after living with a terminal cancer diagnosis for three years. Our son will be 13 in two weeks and it's been just the two of us since he was 9. I thought I would be remarried by now, and in fact I had fallen in love with someone about two years ago. He was sleeping with other women without telling me, so it ended and I haven't been on a date since. I'm 57 years old (first time mom at 44) and I think I will stay single. Part of me wishes I had found another man to be a father to my son, but I couldn't sacrifice my own wants and needs for him. I am lucky to be financially independent (my husband had large 401(k) and life insurance). I don't see an up side to marriage for me and single men my age are looking for a purse or a nurse - I am neither. I would like to be in a new relationship, but I have no idea what that would look like. It's helpful to see how other women have navigated their own relationships.”
Living Apart Together / Long Distance
I have a fondness for this category because this was my lifelong dream (even before I knew the phrase “avoidant attachment style”!) For decades my only role model was Helena Bonham Carter and her then-husband Tim Burton who lived in side-by-side houses. (I can’t help but add that Helena, now 56, has a 36-year-old boyfriend. Sorry for the gossip, but god I love her.)
I would regularly bring up this two-house fantasy with my husband but it seemed financially out of reach and more like a funny quirk of mine than a real plan. Meanwhile, I continued to rent the same small house that I lived in when we first met (my studio), so I guess, in my way, I was quietly doing it. And then I started spending every Wednesday night there. And now I live in the tiny house behind my studio, so I am living in side-by-side houses with with myself, my inner Helena and Tim (and my girlfriend lives in her own place) (and my lovers live in houses and apartments and vans and castles and lean tos and caves all over the world.) Ok, I’m losing the thread here. Readers, take it away:
“I am 55 and he's 47, he and I are not married and no children, but have been together for nine years (I was married briefly 20 years ago). My current partner is an amazing human, it’s most functional relationship I've ever experienced, but I'm feeling trapped and stifled and realizing this 'normal' way of doing a longterm relationship (ie sharing space for the rest of life) doesn't work for me. I need space in my home. I want my own space. I don't want to share. And all of this was leading to resentment and picking at my partner and just creating more problems that weren't even really there. So we're doing something I call 'nesting' -- he lives at home with me a few days a week, and lives elsewhere (with a friend) the rest of the time. This was our first weekend to try this, and I didn't expect to have so many feelings. I was at home but it felt so weird, like I was at an Airbnb or something, or as if I'd sent him away, even though he's on board with this--literally the most loving thing anyone has ever done for me. This will possibly/likely lead to Living Apart Together (are you familiar with the LAT movement? Probably), but we're easing our way into it. I know this is the right thing, but the societal/cultural/familial conditioning is real--it's what keeps us/women stuck in situations that don't work for us, all these unspoken (or even spoken in some cases) rules.”
“We each have an apartment in a two-flat. Two of everything. Closer than ever with room to breathe”
“My husband and I have been living separately since August. It’s not exactly a sustainable plan, but divorce doesn’t look like a great option either. We’ve started seeing a new couple’s therapist who I’m feeling optimistic about, and over the months, I’ve seen some positive growth and learning, so right now I’m kinda just in limbo. We have a great partnership in so many ways and I’m truly grateful for all his positive contributions, but man, his emotional depth can be dug up with a spoon! It’s painful for the both of us and, it surprised me because when we met, he seemed so attuned to me. I’m starting to understand all the nuances of our relationship, just not sure if we can get to the place I’d like us to be - or what to do if we discover that we can’t… Also, we tried ENM a few years ago, but it didn’t really go anywhere because neither of us actually wanted to date other people, lol!! 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🙄”
“I’m in a 4 + year long distance relationship with a cowboy I’m engaged to. I say cowboy specifically because he is one and also if anyone has ever heard the song, I Want to Be a Cowboy, it’s true. At first, it was glamorous and sexy. Now I miss him all the time—we’re five hours away—and it’s hard only seeing each other a few days a month. I love him, but I want a full/time partner. I’m Mary Tyler Moore independent. I’ve never been married, so maybe I’m glamorizing and just be happy with what we have. I’ll almost 59. He’s had longtime marriages and I think wants easy and light. But he did come on strong in the beginning. Asked me to marry him, but I feel like I’ve been downgraded. But maybe our relationship is already a creative solution and I just can’t see it? I can’t see myself as a ranch wife.”
Thank you for your generosity, readers! The third and final post in this series will be about couples who are not together in the traditional sense but live under the same roof…with kids.
Share your stories and responses in the comments. And there is often a rousing conversation about the nitty-gritty of all these issues happening in the chat (which is only for paid subscribers because we need the increased privacy that comes with that.) This is also where the readers announce their regional, in person, All Fours Group Chats.
I’m 38 and have wanted to live by myself in a cabin in the mountains since I can remember (3 or 4 years old?), but feel like I can’t afford to move a muscle. Most of my money goes towards managing my chronic illness, so I can only afford rent if I split it with my partner of 17 years. I’ve always wanted a more open and fluid life, but have a precarious body and he’s more comfortable within routine, tradition, etc. I love and am incredibly grateful for him, but when one person has to “pull more weight” because of a chronically ill partner, resentment can grow so easily. I’m curious to know what it feels like to take a sabbatical from my life- to know all the ways I might be able to adapt in a new environment. For now, I moved a cot into our attic and my dreams have been much more vivid since.
I was able to do a brief solo music residency at a cabin last year, which gave me a taste of that life I want. On my second to last night there, I dreamt of an address I had seen on a real estate bulletin board weeks before. I woke up, wrote it down, then later in the day drove there on a whim. An 85 year old man was parked in his truck in the driveway- he told me he was just sitting there remembering his wife who had passed exactly a year ago (it was their house). We talked for a while and then he asked if I’d want to share a meal at a local dive bar in the mountains. We ate french fries together for two hours and just talked. He told me several incredible stories about renting his cabin to jimi hendrix in the 60’s. At the end we hugged, he thanked me for the company, and we decided to be pen pals. It’s very simple- we send each other pictures of the birds and snow in our yards. I can’t stop thinking about how this kind of spontaneity/friendship gets cut off, by being crammed into the routine of one romantic relationship. There was nothing romantic about this encounter, but I know it wouldn’t have happened if I were with my partner. I want to know what else is possible..
I just had my 25-year wedding anniversary. Married at 22 to the only boy I'd ever kissed (we started dating when I was 15). He was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2 a few years later. We had a kid when I was 27, became polyamorous at my suggestion when I was 28. My pregnancy triggered a mental breakdown as he confronted his fears of parenting, and he became emotionally unavailable, lost in internal agony. Around then, he bunt out on work and hasn't been employed since. He was able to care for our child at home, but couldn't do anything else: cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, transportation to school, doctor's appointments, etc., so a lot was on me. At first polyamory made the marriage more sexually exciting for him, and since we never viewed relationships as systems of oownership, it was an easy transition. Ten years into it, I finally admitted to myself and him that my caregiving role had killed my sexual desire for him, and the relationship became platonic. We also had both become different people to an extent since we were so young when we got together. This was very hard for him, but now he says he's happier than he's ever been. We are family, and I'm glad I can continue to care for him without martyring myself via monogamy. I'm the only one who's ever dated other people as he doesn't have the spoons. Our kid didn't realize that the other married mommies didn't also have additional partners until they were 8 or so. I currently have two long-term partners of 11 and 6 years. They are both friends with my spouse and adult child. I spend 2-3 nights a week with one of the other of them and value my time with both of them and with my family at home immensely. It's pretty great to be in long-term romantic relationships that don't include the stresses of living together or sharing finances. I've never lived alone, so that's still a long-term goal, but I generally feel like I've figured out how to have my cake and eat it too.