I’m 38 and have wanted to live by myself in a cabin in the mountains since I can remember (3 or 4 years old?), but feel like I can’t afford to move a muscle. Most of my money goes towards managing my chronic illness, so I can only afford rent if I split it with my partner of 17 years. I’ve always wanted a more open and fluid life, but have a precarious body and he’s more comfortable within routine, tradition, etc. I love and am incredibly grateful for him, but when one person has to “pull more weight” because of a chronically ill partner, resentment can grow so easily. I’m curious to know what it feels like to take a sabbatical from my life- to know all the ways I might be able to adapt in a new environment. For now, I moved a cot into our attic and my dreams have been much more vivid since.
I was able to do a brief solo music residency at a cabin last year, which gave me a taste of that life I want. On my second to last night there, I dreamt of an address I had seen on a real estate bulletin board weeks before. I woke up, wrote it down, then later in the day drove there on a whim. An 85 year old man was parked in his truck in the driveway- he told me he was just sitting there remembering his wife who had passed exactly a year ago (it was their house). We talked for a while and then he asked if I’d want to share a meal at a local dive bar in the mountains. We ate french fries together for two hours and just talked. He told me several incredible stories about renting his cabin to jimi hendrix in the 60’s. At the end we hugged, he thanked me for the company, and we decided to be pen pals. It’s very simple- we send each other pictures of the birds and snow in our yards. I can’t stop thinking about how this kind of spontaneity/friendship gets cut off, by being crammed into the routine of one romantic relationship. There was nothing romantic about this encounter, but I know it wouldn’t have happened if I were with my partner. I want to know what else is possible..
"There was nothing romantic about this encounter, but I know it wouldn’t have happened if I were with my partner. I want to know what else is possible.."
+ (both working class people from the catskills, trying to go home. he had been sleeping in his truck until the house got sold. i was fantasizing about being able to take back all the money i’d spent on doctors and buy this little house. over dinner though, i think we both completely forgot about money- we ended up mostly talking about trees and music)
This pen pals story is giving me so much, it reminds me how sweet and tender it can be out in the world sometimes. The gems from our subconscious dream life can be acted upon, if we’re game enough to try.
I just had my 25-year wedding anniversary. Married at 22 to the only boy I'd ever kissed (we started dating when I was 15). He was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2 a few years later. We had a kid when I was 27, became polyamorous at my suggestion when I was 28. My pregnancy triggered a mental breakdown as he confronted his fears of parenting, and he became emotionally unavailable, lost in internal agony. Around then, he bunt out on work and hasn't been employed since. He was able to care for our child at home, but couldn't do anything else: cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, transportation to school, doctor's appointments, etc., so a lot was on me. At first polyamory made the marriage more sexually exciting for him, and since we never viewed relationships as systems of oownership, it was an easy transition. Ten years into it, I finally admitted to myself and him that my caregiving role had killed my sexual desire for him, and the relationship became platonic. We also had both become different people to an extent since we were so young when we got together. This was very hard for him, but now he says he's happier than he's ever been. We are family, and I'm glad I can continue to care for him without martyring myself via monogamy. I'm the only one who's ever dated other people as he doesn't have the spoons. Our kid didn't realize that the other married mommies didn't also have additional partners until they were 8 or so. I currently have two long-term partners of 11 and 6 years. They are both friends with my spouse and adult child. I spend 2-3 nights a week with one of the other of them and value my time with both of them and with my family at home immensely. It's pretty great to be in long-term romantic relationships that don't include the stresses of living together or sharing finances. I've never lived alone, so that's still a long-term goal, but I generally feel like I've figured out how to have my cake and eat it too.
My husband and I were passionate and sexy and in love, married at 22/25, had two wonderful boys, then tried and failed at building our careers and parenting while experimenting with ENM in early 30s. I realized that I wasn't built for it (not then) and the jealousy was too much for me. It was messy and traumatic and sad, and ultimately we separated and successfully co-parented for years with a combo of LTA and some unresolved hostility. I married my boyfriend to have a traditional monogamous relationship and my ex remained with his girlfriend in an ENM relationship cross-country. They had a baby together, and I realized that I loved the baby and that warmed my heart so I welcomed them all into our home for visits with the boys. Also I really like her. Eventually we all shared some vacation time together too. Lots of good friendship for years. Then in 2017 our younger son, age 23, was diagnosed with a rare cancer and my ex and I had to co-parent again. We came together with everything we had, which fortunately by then included love and care and respect for each other. We went together to doctor visits, chemotherapy sessions, caregiving at our son's apartment, cooking and cleaning for him. We took care of his body together as we did when he was a baby and a child. Our son appreciated the care he received from us, even as he had a loving girlfriend (who didn't want to be a nurse, and our care made that more possible). We helped build a community of love and support around our son in the hospital and at home as he endured treatment and side-effects and eventually died in hospice at home. My ex's girlfriend flew to NY and was an essential part of our loving support system, a lifelong friend to my son(s). The early jealousy was horrible and I wish I had been able to handle it better back then, because it tore us apart. But I can't imagine the end of my son's life without her help and support. I treasure our little community and I am so grateful for the sibling that my older son still has to share his life with.
I’m 40, divorced for 6 years with a 7 year old I’m coparenting like a champ with my ex. Despite our brief marriage I felt like I got a new lease on life when we divorced.. like the world came alive again with my newfound singledom. Music! When had I stopped listening to music? I jumped into a relationship with my handyman too fast, but my ex was a European tech bro who took 45 minute bubble baths so it felt right. It wasn’t.
I started therapy and uncovered all kinds of scary but totally liberating things I hadn’t seen before.. actually processing childhood trauma and learning about anxious attachment, etc.
Fast forward to a year ago, I met a man in an “open marriage” of sorts except that they were not romantic/sexual anymore.. just living in a 900 square foot house with their 7 year old and sleeping in the same bed. Good friends. Totally woke.
I told him I was not sure I could do this whole thing.. because there’s making progress working on my anxious attachment style and then there’s fucking torturing myself? But he was not interested in being with anyone else romantically, and did not expect me to be exclusive to him, knowing I may want a long-term partner, so I found reason after reason not to turn away.
We fell in love with each other, and in many ways it has been one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever been in for reasons I won’t get into but that have made my ever-changing feelings about this really fucking hard. It sounds so perfect.. I get to be single, invest in my friendships, not only do I listen to my own music but I’m now a DRUMMER. Long-term monogamous relationships suck the life out of people! I get to see this incredible man every week or so, who I love and have the best sex of my life with every. single. time., then still be my own person?! And he’s not holding me back from seeing other men??
But 😭 .. the idea of him going home and getting in bed with his wife kills me, still. I have worked so hard to overcome the feelings it stirs up in me (I survived coffee with her! Where is my trophy?) but it has gotten too hard and I ended things yesterday. Why must the grass always be greener? I want Harry to run through the streets of New York and tell me I’m his Sally, only to marry him and feel trapped and crave this thing right before me?? Brown grass everywhere!
I just can’t escape the feeling I want to be someone’s #1 girl. Also, that I curate myself for dudes and getting up close and in person with a man in a house and still being loved would probably be very good for me (I guess?) and he can’t give me that. But still God, I wish you’d just make me cool and poly so I could frolic in the fields with my new modern family .. I will miss this man forever and still can’t decide if I’ve made a terrible mistake. With love and gratitude, Heartbroken in the Brown-ass Grass in Durham, NC
I am so grateful for all the stories of what marriage/relationships/families can look like. I’ve been feeling so lonely in my non traditional journey and the AFGC has been so life-giving.
And…I also used to totally idolize the Helena Bonham Carter two house situation. Still do if I’m honest.
I am coming up on my 20th wedding anniversary… but the last 10 years have been pretty unhappy. Lots of therapy- both couples and individual- led me to discover that we have basically incompatible personalities and likely should never have gotten married… also I married young, 25 and we had our first child at 26 so there’s that. We have 3 kids- 18,17 and 14. I initiated divorce about 3 years ago, we got half way through mediation and I realized that he was getting angrier, withholding financial info, basically stopped working to try to mess with alimony and was going to be increasingly hostile and bitter towards me. He also started to parentify our oldest child (having her do his laundry, depending on her emotionally, etc) Long story short I developed an autoimmune condition- likely triggered by stress- and decided to call off the divorce to focus on my health. I just didn’t have it in me to fight. We are now in limbo- living together mostly amicably but platonically. I think I made the right decision to stay- mostly because my kids did not have to bare the brunt of a contentious divorce… and we are much better off financially (we live in an expensive area and he is the primary breadwinner- I work part time and maintaining two households would have been a stretch at best) BUT being here is emotionally agonizing a lot of the time and if I were financially independent I would not be. I know that in my soul. Still, I get to see my kids every day at a time in which I now fully appreciate how precious and fleeting that time with them is. And I don’t have to work full time to support myself which means I get to be fully and meaningfully present for them in a way I wouldn’t otherwise have been. But I know I made a bargain with the devil and I feel that in my bones. I often wonder if, years from now, I will look back on my choice to stay with compassion and peace- or with regret.
i left my marriage 2.5 years ago, in large part due to my husband’s depression - which to make a long story short, he wasn’t treating beyond just baseline meds and as a result i felt was totally detached from me and from his kid, who i essentially was the primary parent for for years due to his attitude towards both of us and his inability to get out of bed for days on end - and again, not trying anything to help himself be more present for his family.
now im w a new partner (crowbar!) and we have decided not to blend our families (he has two kids, and i am still very close with my step kid from my marriage), and while i spend every night at his house, i have an apartment three blocks away that i use for work and as a space for me and my step kid. we spoke about moving in together about a year ago and ultimately changed our minds - why fix what’s not broken? for me, ive also come to LOVE my space because its ALL MINE - something i lost in previous relationships and dont want to lose again.
it definitely works for us and i like having an escape hatch to go to if things are rough or if i just want some quiet to myself. thank you miranda for these shares!
I've had one relationship since I got ill over 5 years ago, and I completely underestimated and had forgotten how much emotional energy is required. Admittedly I struggle with difficult conversations in romantic relationships which doesn't help. I avoided a lot because I didn't have the emotional energy and felt this in a profound physical sense.
Health wise there were times I was completely overwhelmed and crying from exhaustion. What I've learnt is I need to be able to set my own pace, sometimes there are days when I just need to lie in bed and I don't have the energy for a phone call or seeing anyone outside. With friendships the expectation is removed.
I'm currently in France for a few months to recharge. Some friends know I'm here and I'll see them and be back in touch when I return. There's no expectation I'll ring them while I'm here. Yes we need to invest in our friendships, but the investment level is different because we have that ongoing security with friends I guess, and people are busy.
It's the first time in my life I've doubted whether being in a relationship is for me. Being ill consumes me, and there's so much I still dream of (mostly long distance hiking and cycling) so I focus on that. I can't do it all so there's a trade off and it sometimes gives me tunnel vision perhaps. I feel like I'm in a relationship with my illness, if I ignore it, it plays havoc.
My partner and I have been together 11 years on and off a bit. Met at 22. I was diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer during the pandemic at 29. He has been my “ caretaker “ and it’s done a number on us for sure. My prognosis wasn’t great, and I can’t have kids or hold a job. We both had to grow up super fast, but we have been growing at our own speeds. Feels like I had to grow up over night, for him it’s been a bit slower. Problems don’t just vanish once a diagnosis is added to the relationship. Addiction problems and depression were already there. Now four years into the diagnosis I see him stepping up in ways he couldn’t a couple years ago. It was so rough at times but I’m glad we have stuck it out because it is possible to change. Who knows what the future holds but for now I’m proud of where we’re headed.
I’m almost 75yo, which is still surprising to write. Three husbands, and as my mother would say, countless lovers. Was married to number 3 for 17 years, after years of him dramatically stating “I shouldn’t be married, I’m supposed to be free”, until I finally said, “I’m sorry, I haven’t been listening, you can go now” which was the last thing he expected. After that, was with the cutest boy in the world, 24 yrs younger, for 8 years, and about 10 years ago number 3 wanted to move back to Portland and asked if he could stay in the house for a couple of months while he looked for a place (yes, now 10 years ago) I consider us ‘kin’ though he now likes to jokingly call me his only girlfriend or wife which is so off brand from the man he was when we were married. We have a deep soulful love and care for one another, yet I also long for an occasional erotic partner, which we don’t have. Dating apps either present partners my age who are looking for a more conventional relationship, or younger men that seem to have some unexamined fetish for older women. All this while simultaneously looking at how I/we can move into this phase of life which is looking at how we die.
Until I read this, it didn't occur to me that I had anything to contribute, because my relationship has been monogamous, although queer and non-traditional. My spouse and I have been living together for the better part of 22 years, since we became roommates at age 19 (we had the poster from your "The Binet-Simon Test" on our bathroom wall). We've lived all over the west, taking turns going to school. At one point, when we were living and working together with a 45-minute commute, we rented an office space so we'd have somewhere we could each be alone. Another year, he worked in Seattle, living part time with his parents, and part time with me in Olympia. In 2023, he was hired on short notice to teach at a college in New England. He had 10 days to move across the country for a one year contract. I'd just started a good job in Spokane, where we'd been living, so I stayed with all our stuff. He has colleagues who also live in different cities from their spouses. I joined him when his contract was extended, but I pine for the west. We don't know what's next. I'm entertaining the thought of returning to Spokane myself to settle down, with him joining me during summer and winter breaks.
& I loved living alone, is what I left out of this comment. My mom lived alone between her first marriage and marrying my dad, and while I was growing up, she always said how much she loved it. I am really grateful that the opportunity came along for me, twice.
My ex-husband and I were in a high school play together in the nineties. I was cast as his best friend and we were the class clowns together for a brief winter when I was in grade 9 and he was in grade 11. He was dating a girl in his grade but I did think he was gorgeous. I ran into him after I finished college & we started dating. We’ve been married 20+ years and have 4 sons together. Breaking up is always a relief for me and this fifth (or more) breakup feels final. 🕊️I’m hopeful that we will be able to see the good times and forge on despite the rest by living separately 🛑
I feel like we have felt so many emotions together but the patterns I’ve lived just seem to be not the ones I can cherish… the frustration outweighs compassion at this point and I will continue to 💔 be heart-broken and giddy simultaneously, I don’t like regret or blame.
We have been living separately since July 2020. We did have another baby since then but I can’t imagine how we could ever live together again. This conversation has brought me to think even more compassionately about how difficult it is for him to miss spending time with us. I’m joyful still.
Miranda, thank you for holding space for these stories. The vulnerability and truth in these testimonials is humbling—it feels like each person is quietly pulling back the curtain on what real life and love look like when they don’t fit the script.
There’s a line in your post that struck me: “No amount of liberation or progress changes the fact that we can’t get by alone.” It resonates not just with the stories of chronic illness and loss but also with the broader theme of creating new frameworks when the old ones don’t serve us. I’m exploring a similar idea in REVERSAL, the gender satire I’m serializing on Substack, where it's men who have to navigate a matriarchal society that holds them to impossible standards of caregiving and resilience. The characters, like the so many of us here, are often trapped by circumstance but find ways to carve out pockets of freedom and intimacy within those constraints.
What I find most beautiful in these stories is how caregiving takes so many forms—sometimes romantic, sometimes practical, sometimes just showing up and staying. It’s a reminder that love is as much about endurance as it is about joy. It makes me want to go back to my own work with a sharper eye, to dig deeper into how we sustain one another when the world doesn’t make it easy.
Thank you, and thank you to everyone who shared. It’s a gift to be part of this conversation.
You know what’s annoying, though? Those readers (outside of our blog home—I love these people!) who read your book so surface, all titillated by the plot or fancy-panced by the sex, not even noticing (how???) your brilliant narrator’s interiority, your incredible creative moves—all the novel’s puzzle pieces, etc.—and the way your narrator ruminates and weaves out her wisdom and astonishment for her human situation.
So happy to have a home here with readers who get it (humans who get “it”).
I’m 38 and have wanted to live by myself in a cabin in the mountains since I can remember (3 or 4 years old?), but feel like I can’t afford to move a muscle. Most of my money goes towards managing my chronic illness, so I can only afford rent if I split it with my partner of 17 years. I’ve always wanted a more open and fluid life, but have a precarious body and he’s more comfortable within routine, tradition, etc. I love and am incredibly grateful for him, but when one person has to “pull more weight” because of a chronically ill partner, resentment can grow so easily. I’m curious to know what it feels like to take a sabbatical from my life- to know all the ways I might be able to adapt in a new environment. For now, I moved a cot into our attic and my dreams have been much more vivid since.
I was able to do a brief solo music residency at a cabin last year, which gave me a taste of that life I want. On my second to last night there, I dreamt of an address I had seen on a real estate bulletin board weeks before. I woke up, wrote it down, then later in the day drove there on a whim. An 85 year old man was parked in his truck in the driveway- he told me he was just sitting there remembering his wife who had passed exactly a year ago (it was their house). We talked for a while and then he asked if I’d want to share a meal at a local dive bar in the mountains. We ate french fries together for two hours and just talked. He told me several incredible stories about renting his cabin to jimi hendrix in the 60’s. At the end we hugged, he thanked me for the company, and we decided to be pen pals. It’s very simple- we send each other pictures of the birds and snow in our yards. I can’t stop thinking about how this kind of spontaneity/friendship gets cut off, by being crammed into the routine of one romantic relationship. There was nothing romantic about this encounter, but I know it wouldn’t have happened if I were with my partner. I want to know what else is possible..
"There was nothing romantic about this encounter, but I know it wouldn’t have happened if I were with my partner. I want to know what else is possible.."
This is huge. And such a moving story.
+ (both working class people from the catskills, trying to go home. he had been sleeping in his truck until the house got sold. i was fantasizing about being able to take back all the money i’d spent on doctors and buy this little house. over dinner though, i think we both completely forgot about money- we ended up mostly talking about trees and music)
This pen pals story is giving me so much, it reminds me how sweet and tender it can be out in the world sometimes. The gems from our subconscious dream life can be acted upon, if we’re game enough to try.
This is so wonderful and my ears perked up at the Jimi Hendrix connection!
I just had my 25-year wedding anniversary. Married at 22 to the only boy I'd ever kissed (we started dating when I was 15). He was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar 2 a few years later. We had a kid when I was 27, became polyamorous at my suggestion when I was 28. My pregnancy triggered a mental breakdown as he confronted his fears of parenting, and he became emotionally unavailable, lost in internal agony. Around then, he bunt out on work and hasn't been employed since. He was able to care for our child at home, but couldn't do anything else: cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, transportation to school, doctor's appointments, etc., so a lot was on me. At first polyamory made the marriage more sexually exciting for him, and since we never viewed relationships as systems of oownership, it was an easy transition. Ten years into it, I finally admitted to myself and him that my caregiving role had killed my sexual desire for him, and the relationship became platonic. We also had both become different people to an extent since we were so young when we got together. This was very hard for him, but now he says he's happier than he's ever been. We are family, and I'm glad I can continue to care for him without martyring myself via monogamy. I'm the only one who's ever dated other people as he doesn't have the spoons. Our kid didn't realize that the other married mommies didn't also have additional partners until they were 8 or so. I currently have two long-term partners of 11 and 6 years. They are both friends with my spouse and adult child. I spend 2-3 nights a week with one of the other of them and value my time with both of them and with my family at home immensely. It's pretty great to be in long-term romantic relationships that don't include the stresses of living together or sharing finances. I've never lived alone, so that's still a long-term goal, but I generally feel like I've figured out how to have my cake and eat it too.
This is divine
Thank you for this gold.
Thank you for All Fours! It's been awesome to see polyamory presented more often in fiction as a resolution to a conflict.
My husband and I were passionate and sexy and in love, married at 22/25, had two wonderful boys, then tried and failed at building our careers and parenting while experimenting with ENM in early 30s. I realized that I wasn't built for it (not then) and the jealousy was too much for me. It was messy and traumatic and sad, and ultimately we separated and successfully co-parented for years with a combo of LTA and some unresolved hostility. I married my boyfriend to have a traditional monogamous relationship and my ex remained with his girlfriend in an ENM relationship cross-country. They had a baby together, and I realized that I loved the baby and that warmed my heart so I welcomed them all into our home for visits with the boys. Also I really like her. Eventually we all shared some vacation time together too. Lots of good friendship for years. Then in 2017 our younger son, age 23, was diagnosed with a rare cancer and my ex and I had to co-parent again. We came together with everything we had, which fortunately by then included love and care and respect for each other. We went together to doctor visits, chemotherapy sessions, caregiving at our son's apartment, cooking and cleaning for him. We took care of his body together as we did when he was a baby and a child. Our son appreciated the care he received from us, even as he had a loving girlfriend (who didn't want to be a nurse, and our care made that more possible). We helped build a community of love and support around our son in the hospital and at home as he endured treatment and side-effects and eventually died in hospice at home. My ex's girlfriend flew to NY and was an essential part of our loving support system, a lifelong friend to my son(s). The early jealousy was horrible and I wish I had been able to handle it better back then, because it tore us apart. But I can't imagine the end of my son's life without her help and support. I treasure our little community and I am so grateful for the sibling that my older son still has to share his life with.
Oof, this brought tears to my eyes. Incredible.
I’m 40, divorced for 6 years with a 7 year old I’m coparenting like a champ with my ex. Despite our brief marriage I felt like I got a new lease on life when we divorced.. like the world came alive again with my newfound singledom. Music! When had I stopped listening to music? I jumped into a relationship with my handyman too fast, but my ex was a European tech bro who took 45 minute bubble baths so it felt right. It wasn’t.
I started therapy and uncovered all kinds of scary but totally liberating things I hadn’t seen before.. actually processing childhood trauma and learning about anxious attachment, etc.
Fast forward to a year ago, I met a man in an “open marriage” of sorts except that they were not romantic/sexual anymore.. just living in a 900 square foot house with their 7 year old and sleeping in the same bed. Good friends. Totally woke.
I told him I was not sure I could do this whole thing.. because there’s making progress working on my anxious attachment style and then there’s fucking torturing myself? But he was not interested in being with anyone else romantically, and did not expect me to be exclusive to him, knowing I may want a long-term partner, so I found reason after reason not to turn away.
We fell in love with each other, and in many ways it has been one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever been in for reasons I won’t get into but that have made my ever-changing feelings about this really fucking hard. It sounds so perfect.. I get to be single, invest in my friendships, not only do I listen to my own music but I’m now a DRUMMER. Long-term monogamous relationships suck the life out of people! I get to see this incredible man every week or so, who I love and have the best sex of my life with every. single. time., then still be my own person?! And he’s not holding me back from seeing other men??
But 😭 .. the idea of him going home and getting in bed with his wife kills me, still. I have worked so hard to overcome the feelings it stirs up in me (I survived coffee with her! Where is my trophy?) but it has gotten too hard and I ended things yesterday. Why must the grass always be greener? I want Harry to run through the streets of New York and tell me I’m his Sally, only to marry him and feel trapped and crave this thing right before me?? Brown grass everywhere!
I just can’t escape the feeling I want to be someone’s #1 girl. Also, that I curate myself for dudes and getting up close and in person with a man in a house and still being loved would probably be very good for me (I guess?) and he can’t give me that. But still God, I wish you’d just make me cool and poly so I could frolic in the fields with my new modern family .. I will miss this man forever and still can’t decide if I’ve made a terrible mistake. With love and gratitude, Heartbroken in the Brown-ass Grass in Durham, NC
I am so grateful for all the stories of what marriage/relationships/families can look like. I’ve been feeling so lonely in my non traditional journey and the AFGC has been so life-giving.
And…I also used to totally idolize the Helena Bonham Carter two house situation. Still do if I’m honest.
I am coming up on my 20th wedding anniversary… but the last 10 years have been pretty unhappy. Lots of therapy- both couples and individual- led me to discover that we have basically incompatible personalities and likely should never have gotten married… also I married young, 25 and we had our first child at 26 so there’s that. We have 3 kids- 18,17 and 14. I initiated divorce about 3 years ago, we got half way through mediation and I realized that he was getting angrier, withholding financial info, basically stopped working to try to mess with alimony and was going to be increasingly hostile and bitter towards me. He also started to parentify our oldest child (having her do his laundry, depending on her emotionally, etc) Long story short I developed an autoimmune condition- likely triggered by stress- and decided to call off the divorce to focus on my health. I just didn’t have it in me to fight. We are now in limbo- living together mostly amicably but platonically. I think I made the right decision to stay- mostly because my kids did not have to bare the brunt of a contentious divorce… and we are much better off financially (we live in an expensive area and he is the primary breadwinner- I work part time and maintaining two households would have been a stretch at best) BUT being here is emotionally agonizing a lot of the time and if I were financially independent I would not be. I know that in my soul. Still, I get to see my kids every day at a time in which I now fully appreciate how precious and fleeting that time with them is. And I don’t have to work full time to support myself which means I get to be fully and meaningfully present for them in a way I wouldn’t otherwise have been. But I know I made a bargain with the devil and I feel that in my bones. I often wonder if, years from now, I will look back on my choice to stay with compassion and peace- or with regret.
It's just so hard. Rooting for you.
Thank you for creating this space ❤️
i left my marriage 2.5 years ago, in large part due to my husband’s depression - which to make a long story short, he wasn’t treating beyond just baseline meds and as a result i felt was totally detached from me and from his kid, who i essentially was the primary parent for for years due to his attitude towards both of us and his inability to get out of bed for days on end - and again, not trying anything to help himself be more present for his family.
now im w a new partner (crowbar!) and we have decided not to blend our families (he has two kids, and i am still very close with my step kid from my marriage), and while i spend every night at his house, i have an apartment three blocks away that i use for work and as a space for me and my step kid. we spoke about moving in together about a year ago and ultimately changed our minds - why fix what’s not broken? for me, ive also come to LOVE my space because its ALL MINE - something i lost in previous relationships and dont want to lose again.
it definitely works for us and i like having an escape hatch to go to if things are rough or if i just want some quiet to myself. thank you miranda for these shares!
I've had one relationship since I got ill over 5 years ago, and I completely underestimated and had forgotten how much emotional energy is required. Admittedly I struggle with difficult conversations in romantic relationships which doesn't help. I avoided a lot because I didn't have the emotional energy and felt this in a profound physical sense.
Health wise there were times I was completely overwhelmed and crying from exhaustion. What I've learnt is I need to be able to set my own pace, sometimes there are days when I just need to lie in bed and I don't have the energy for a phone call or seeing anyone outside. With friendships the expectation is removed.
I'm currently in France for a few months to recharge. Some friends know I'm here and I'll see them and be back in touch when I return. There's no expectation I'll ring them while I'm here. Yes we need to invest in our friendships, but the investment level is different because we have that ongoing security with friends I guess, and people are busy.
It's the first time in my life I've doubted whether being in a relationship is for me. Being ill consumes me, and there's so much I still dream of (mostly long distance hiking and cycling) so I focus on that. I can't do it all so there's a trade off and it sometimes gives me tunnel vision perhaps. I feel like I'm in a relationship with my illness, if I ignore it, it plays havoc.
My partner and I have been together 11 years on and off a bit. Met at 22. I was diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer during the pandemic at 29. He has been my “ caretaker “ and it’s done a number on us for sure. My prognosis wasn’t great, and I can’t have kids or hold a job. We both had to grow up super fast, but we have been growing at our own speeds. Feels like I had to grow up over night, for him it’s been a bit slower. Problems don’t just vanish once a diagnosis is added to the relationship. Addiction problems and depression were already there. Now four years into the diagnosis I see him stepping up in ways he couldn’t a couple years ago. It was so rough at times but I’m glad we have stuck it out because it is possible to change. Who knows what the future holds but for now I’m proud of where we’re headed.
My partner recently got a stage four diagnosis and “problems don’t just vanish once a diagnosis is added to the relationship” rings so true.
I’m almost 75yo, which is still surprising to write. Three husbands, and as my mother would say, countless lovers. Was married to number 3 for 17 years, after years of him dramatically stating “I shouldn’t be married, I’m supposed to be free”, until I finally said, “I’m sorry, I haven’t been listening, you can go now” which was the last thing he expected. After that, was with the cutest boy in the world, 24 yrs younger, for 8 years, and about 10 years ago number 3 wanted to move back to Portland and asked if he could stay in the house for a couple of months while he looked for a place (yes, now 10 years ago) I consider us ‘kin’ though he now likes to jokingly call me his only girlfriend or wife which is so off brand from the man he was when we were married. We have a deep soulful love and care for one another, yet I also long for an occasional erotic partner, which we don’t have. Dating apps either present partners my age who are looking for a more conventional relationship, or younger men that seem to have some unexamined fetish for older women. All this while simultaneously looking at how I/we can move into this phase of life which is looking at how we die.
Until I read this, it didn't occur to me that I had anything to contribute, because my relationship has been monogamous, although queer and non-traditional. My spouse and I have been living together for the better part of 22 years, since we became roommates at age 19 (we had the poster from your "The Binet-Simon Test" on our bathroom wall). We've lived all over the west, taking turns going to school. At one point, when we were living and working together with a 45-minute commute, we rented an office space so we'd have somewhere we could each be alone. Another year, he worked in Seattle, living part time with his parents, and part time with me in Olympia. In 2023, he was hired on short notice to teach at a college in New England. He had 10 days to move across the country for a one year contract. I'd just started a good job in Spokane, where we'd been living, so I stayed with all our stuff. He has colleagues who also live in different cities from their spouses. I joined him when his contract was extended, but I pine for the west. We don't know what's next. I'm entertaining the thought of returning to Spokane myself to settle down, with him joining me during summer and winter breaks.
& I loved living alone, is what I left out of this comment. My mom lived alone between her first marriage and marrying my dad, and while I was growing up, she always said how much she loved it. I am really grateful that the opportunity came along for me, twice.
I hope you’ll also make a post about women who are happy without any partners at all!
My ex-husband and I were in a high school play together in the nineties. I was cast as his best friend and we were the class clowns together for a brief winter when I was in grade 9 and he was in grade 11. He was dating a girl in his grade but I did think he was gorgeous. I ran into him after I finished college & we started dating. We’ve been married 20+ years and have 4 sons together. Breaking up is always a relief for me and this fifth (or more) breakup feels final. 🕊️I’m hopeful that we will be able to see the good times and forge on despite the rest by living separately 🛑
I feel like we have felt so many emotions together but the patterns I’ve lived just seem to be not the ones I can cherish… the frustration outweighs compassion at this point and I will continue to 💔 be heart-broken and giddy simultaneously, I don’t like regret or blame.
We have been living separately since July 2020. We did have another baby since then but I can’t imagine how we could ever live together again. This conversation has brought me to think even more compassionately about how difficult it is for him to miss spending time with us. I’m joyful still.
Miranda, thank you for holding space for these stories. The vulnerability and truth in these testimonials is humbling—it feels like each person is quietly pulling back the curtain on what real life and love look like when they don’t fit the script.
There’s a line in your post that struck me: “No amount of liberation or progress changes the fact that we can’t get by alone.” It resonates not just with the stories of chronic illness and loss but also with the broader theme of creating new frameworks when the old ones don’t serve us. I’m exploring a similar idea in REVERSAL, the gender satire I’m serializing on Substack, where it's men who have to navigate a matriarchal society that holds them to impossible standards of caregiving and resilience. The characters, like the so many of us here, are often trapped by circumstance but find ways to carve out pockets of freedom and intimacy within those constraints.
What I find most beautiful in these stories is how caregiving takes so many forms—sometimes romantic, sometimes practical, sometimes just showing up and staying. It’s a reminder that love is as much about endurance as it is about joy. It makes me want to go back to my own work with a sharper eye, to dig deeper into how we sustain one another when the world doesn’t make it easy.
Thank you, and thank you to everyone who shared. It’s a gift to be part of this conversation.
I love this, Miranda July!
You know what’s annoying, though? Those readers (outside of our blog home—I love these people!) who read your book so surface, all titillated by the plot or fancy-panced by the sex, not even noticing (how???) your brilliant narrator’s interiority, your incredible creative moves—all the novel’s puzzle pieces, etc.—and the way your narrator ruminates and weaves out her wisdom and astonishment for her human situation.
So happy to have a home here with readers who get it (humans who get “it”).
I appreciate you. ❤️