Your Non-Traditional Marriages, Part 3: Same Roof...With Kids. And: Someone Else

When you can't or don't want to blow up your life but something has to change

Here we have the third and final installment of my subscribers describing their non-traditional marriages to us. Part One was about marriages that eventually became ethically non-monogamous / poly. Part Two was Relationships That Have Been Shaped by Chronic Illness (and in one case, death) and Couples Who Are Living Apart and finally we have Part 3: Couples Who Are Not Together In The Traditional Sense But Live Under The Same Roof…With Kids, and: When There’s Someone Else. (And one story of a woman who Took A Year Off.)

Obviously there have been couples who stayed together for the kids for as long as there have been kids (is that true? I love to throw around these phrases but actually I don’t know if monogamy was a thing until agriculture was invented) but meanwhile, what is actually going on in that house?? THE FAMILY HOME! A great mystery in our midst! The streets are lined with secret arrangements, spoken and sometimes pointedly unspoken and unspeakable. Here, a few readers throw the doors open:

“Ok here goes…my husband and I have been together since 2008 and got married in 2014. The first couple years were pretty rough. He had an affair. We went to lots of counseling together and separately. Somehow we managed to stay together and even had a kid 5 years ago. We did eventually decide to be ENM because I finally was able to admit to myself that I’m asexual. My husband has had a couple of partnerships in the past few years but not recently. We’re currently living with my in-laws while we build a new house. So basically we’ve navigated things the past few years and currently as roommates/best friends/parents. It works because…it works I guess? Would we still be together if we didn’t have a kid? Doubtful. Still, it’s an aspect of our relationship that enabled us to be even more honest with ourselves.”

I love this one, from the point of view of the kid:

“My parents separated when I was 8 but we all continued living in the same house together. My mom moved to a downstairs bedroom and my dad stayed upstairs. I understood they were separated, my mom had other partners outside of the house but all in all we were a very happy if unconventional family. My mom continued living in the house with my dad as friends/roommates well after I left college, she has since left but we all continue to consider the house my dad still lives in to be our ‘home’ and travel back to spend Christmas there every year.”

In this next one I most related to her terror at the thought of “things being normal again.” I think that should be all of our fears, in the sense that normal usually means worse, for women. (There’s no way for the current MAGA horror show not to slightly bleed into my thoughts around all these issues.)

“we were married for 23 years, still are, on paper, married. we never felt like being each other's "village" and wanted to stay open to other people and connected, but moving countries, having kids and conventional work arrangements led to us to being super ultra traditional, both completely dissatisfied, frustrated, depressed and broke. after a couple of affairs on my man's side I made a drastic move two years ago and started doing trips on my own. I started writing too. now I am constantly on the move, we try not to be together too much in our admittedly gigantic 1900 belle etage flat in Leipzig, where we can generously avoid each other's and our 19year old daughter's company. He has some partners for various things, in different countries. They don't like me or are indifferent. The polyamory doesn't work in so far as these partners want my husband as their only partner and are secretly hoping for him to leave me, which he won't, because for him it's rather cushy to not really fully show up anywhere. I don't have any partners and I'm just fine, there where options but I turned all of them down. So far, I need to work through some very personal heavy things that have to do with me and my childhood and history. My relationship to my changing body and my developing self are occupying too much time and capacity. I call myself poly-solo, I'm really okay by myself in this living-arrangement, though I wouldn't say I'm opposed to meeting somebody and sharing whatever this new relationship wants me to share. I'm really curious what will come up in the next few years. I love the idea of nothing being fixed, I'm terrified that things could go back to "normal" again and I stop moving and changing, forever stuck in the tomb that was our marriage.”

I know multiple couples in LA who were in the midst of a breakup when they suddenly had to switch into emergency mode together…this woman isn’t alone in that:

“I finally met the musician of my dreams and ‘settled down’ in a long term relationship. His third (married twice before) my first. Had a kid at 44. Was a devoted mom for nearly two decades. My boy is 18 now and I find myself with someone who is not the partner I thought he would be. Someone who does not know how to love another person. I know I cannot change this so I question where to go from here. Stay in a “relationship” that is quasi comfortable and codependent and compromise the rest of my life, or explore other options? I was thinking that I was leaning towards blowing things up big time. But Things have gotten even more complicated around here what with the fires and evacuation and all. We stayed at his ex’s because we really didn’t have anywhere else to go in the craziness. My son can be with his half sisters. I suppose we ended up doing some unintentional trauma bonding because of the ordeal.”

“I’ve been married 4 years. I’m a bisexual, French wandering type; he was an extremely devout seventh day Adventist elder (no sex, wine etc). What a solid match! My therapist calls me a « relationship tourist » and this is unfortunately just one example.

I got married largely because I was pregnant (very happily at 37) and because he is a really great partner and father. Limited downside risk.

We haven’t had sex since the get go (body says no), so he sleeps with other women which takes the pressure and guilt off. Done couples therapy and individual therapy and TRE for two years, but it all seems pretty doomed. We have separate bedrooms and I fantasize about buying the house next door to put him in. I am rather in love with a crowbar - a friend of 30 years with whom I have a deep soul connection - but I am trying to move past that because he too is married. I’m trying to wrap my head around divorce and the effects on my toddler, and also want to feel sure that I’ve tried everything to fix myself before moving on.”

“My ex and my husband and I co parented. We once went on vacation together. My husband is still mad about it ten years later. He wasn’t properly consulted. Men like to puss the perimeter. But the parenting worked. We all agreed. Keep the same house rules. No smack talking other parents. There were slips. Him smoking weed w them in high school. I let girls sleep over w my son and my daughter in high school. But they turned out great.”

Now we move into the “There’s Someone Else” section. I’m not sure why I put these two in this special section since I suppose there was someone else in most of the previous stories too (there are so many people in the world! And it only takes three people for there to be someone else!) but in these cases the story really seems to revolve around the third person:

“Months before my 40th birthday my ex-wife said to me “for your 40th birthday, I think you should date other people.” And through my shock and horror, then they said “well, I want to date other people.” They had fallen in love with their (also married) boss. So messy. They did not have a plan. But I have steely determination - even on the floor with heartbreak. I filed for divorce. She was served on my 40th bday.”

This one is long but it’s hard for me to trim someone else’s romantic life:

“20 years ago I loved a man deeply. The love of my life. If such a thing even exists. I was crazy in love. He loved me in his own ways. But I was turning 30, I wanted to get married, have kids, commit. He wasn’t ready. Not that I asked him, or told him how I felt. I expected him to tell me and want and give me what I needed. I simply waited for him to be whom I thought he should be. Whilst inside I grew angrier at him. This is when I met my husband. He was the opposite. He wanted to commit, he wanted a family, he wanted me. So in a year we got married and I was pregnant. I left my boyfriend with virtually no explanation, in my head I kept repeating like a mantra ‘this is the right choice, he doesn’t love me the way I deserve, how lucky I met someone like my future husband’. Problem is, my friends, when you make choices based on your insecurities, and you make them quick, you pay for them. My following 15 years have been with a man who adores me, loves me, is faithful and intelligent, an amazing father. But, I was never happy. And felt guilty and terribly ungrateful for feeling this sense of discomfort and unhappiness. So I just hid my feeling from all, and mostly myself by doing a million things, career, travel, being a fully present mum, birthday parties, take care of my sick dad, get a dog, voluntary work, never stop, never stop. Never ever think. Because when I did stop, I kept going back to the chance I did not give to my ex boyfriend. I kept going back to the passion I felt for him and have never felt for my husband. I have just felt a sense of uneasiness for so many years and I didn’t even know why. So two years ago, one night I reached out to my ex boyfriend. It felt like it was inevitable. I didn’t have a second motif. I didn’t even know what I was doing. He doesn’t even live in the same country as me. Hey I said, how are you. Kind of Adele’s song: hello from the other side. Type of thing. Pathetic I know. I frankly expected him to tell me to fuck off. Instead we wrote to each other for months. We told each other all the things we did wrong then. How stupid we both were. He was stupid for his fears to commit. I was an idiot because I didn’t face him and I was too proud to tell him what I needed. It was beautiful and sad at the same time to find that deep connection, maybe the most profound I have ever felt with anyone. It felt old and new at the same time. It was so intense, so passionate, so hopeless. We also met, a few times. But how could we now destroy our families for something we screwed up 20 years ago? So to answer Miranda July question: I am here, in my marriage, I haven’t gone back with an ex boyfriend, and I am trying to make my life work in a deeper way, with a deeper knowledge of myself. I have addressed some of these issues with my husband, and of course he was hurt. But the alternative is an empty lie. So that’s where I am. Trying to be myself, embrace unhappiness as a process, but be truthful to me and the people around me. It isn’t easy but worth a try.

Sorry for the long answer. Forgive me, I have been long winded.

Sorry, I wanted to add one point. Just to be a 100% sincere. If my ex boyfriend had told me, ‘let’s give it a try, 20 years later. I love you. Now, let’s do it’. I would have jumped. But he didn’t and told he preferred not. So, here’s the truth. I am working on this part too.”

And sometimes the other person is you. I like this idea of just being left alone for a year:

“When I was in a season of new discovery- finding who I was apart from a mother and a wife- and also deconstructing from the church- asking myself what I truly believe? I suddenly didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just felt over my spouse. I think it was me being hyper protective of this new individual I was discovering - myself. I told him, I’m not one to do things physically that I don’t want to do so kindly just leave me alone. & he respected that and did. I wasn’t looking to leave, I just need to decide if I what I wanted was to stay and if not what would that mean. But I did decide to stay and recommit at the new me. This was after almost of a year of no physical relationship- which for us was a big shift. Not saying that taking time off works for everyone, but for me being free of any expectations and the ability to say hey I just want to figure out what I want- gave me the freedom to see (for my case) I wanted to be there.”

Ok, that’s all for this three-part series, but I suspect there will be more in the comment section (I, for one, really enjoy reading about your lives.) I’ll return soon with a new segment of gossip and tips I’d tell you If We Were Friends… and about some recent estate sale purchasessss.

xx,

mj

as pictured below, in the lovely family home I lived in until almost exactly a year ago. I did really enjoy reading the Sunday paper on the bed.